Barry Bonds' Shocking Confession: "It Was The Hemorrhoids."

Record-breaking 2001 Season is Forever Tarnished

In a posting on his personal website, San Francisco Giants slugger Barry Bonds confirmed speculation that he did indeed have hemorrhoids during the magical season in which he hit seventy-three homeruns. For years Bonds has lived under a tarnished reputation as a player who succeeded by cheating, and for years Bonds has denied any wrongdoing - until Monday.

"I'm tired of running from the press, I'm tired of living a lie to the fans," the internet posting read in part. "I hit seventy-three homeruns because I had hemorrhoids, and only because I had hemorrhoids. Without them, I could not have performed at the level I did. I am ashamed on this day, and will be forever haunted by those 'roids. I know my legacy is tarnished, and I have myself and the 'roids to blame."

Bonds falls into a grey area, given the current high standards of testing in Major League Baseball, and may actually escape any punishment whatsoever. When Bonds had the 'roids, the league was not yet testing for them. Now, with Bonds etched into history after breaking Hank Aaron's lifetime homerun mark of 755, MLB is not exactly happy about the record being eclipsed.

"He took advantage of a loophole in the rules because we weren't on the lookout, and his performance as a player was enhanced due to the 'roids," said MLB spokesman Adrian Crone. "Most certainly, there were other players with 'roids, but I don't think any of them benefitted like Bonds did. Except Mark McGwire. And Sammy Sosa. And Brandy Anderson. And Jason Giambi. And Ivan Rodriguez. And Jose Canseco. And roughly sixty-one percent of the league."

 Since Bonds was clean of 'roids by the time testing was implemented, he will continue to wait for a team to inquire about his services. Bonds is currently unemployed and collecting social security unemployment checks.

"I now know that 'roids are not the path to victory, and real glory lies in hard work," Bonds' statement read. "As a five-time MVP, I can say that all future records will be broken by a hemorrhoid free Barry Bonds."

Hank Aaron, now living in rural Georgia, says he does not know how Bonds' announcement will affect him. "Remember when I hit the record breaking homerun and those two white guys came out and ran the bases with me? What the hell was that all about?" Aaron said in a released statement.

"Get out of my house, white boy," Aaron added.

Whether Bonds breaks the record and ends up in the Hall of Fame is yet to be decided, but a cloud will forever hang over the head of Barry Bonds and his 'roids.