$157M Budget for Film Version of 'Goodnight Moon'

Beloved children's story has Scorsese, Hanks

Oscar buzz is already surrounding the film adaptation of 'Goodnight Moon', a book that has lulled perhaps millions of children to sleep since 1947. And although production has not yet started, there is already chatter around Hollywood about the upcoming film, with a star-studden cast anchored by Tom Hanks as the insomnia-stricken rabbit in bed, and Renee Zelwegger as the old woman who was whispering 'hush'.

 The film will also feature a record number of special effects shots, all produced by Industrial Light and Magic, the Marin, CA based company owned by George Lucas. In the past, ILM has worked on such global blockbusters as Star Wars, Jurassic Park and The Titanic, but Lucas is more excited about 'Moon' than anything else.

"Sure we did some ground-breaking work on the Star Wars franchise, and those Jurassic Park dinosaurs were pretty nifty," said Lucas. "But we think that our work on 'Goodnight Moon' will really position ILM at the forefront of today's digital special effects producers. Just wait until you see that 'bowl full of mush'. It's going to be truly amazing on the big screen."

Other special effects will include two little digital kittens, who get into an involved relationship with a pair of digital mittens.

"Those mittens are going to blow your [expletive] mind," said Lucas.

Most people are familiar with the basic premise of the book: a young rabbit has a hard time falling asleep one night, and under the watchful eye of the old woman who was whispering 'hush', the rabbit embarks on a night-long adventure of wishing objects in his bedroom goodnight. Scorsese has stated that the film, while holding true to the original story, will also have some extra elements added for dramatic flair.

"We are developing a relationship between the young rabbit and the old woman that delves deep into the past, and may shed some light on why he cannot fall asleep," said Scorsese. "There are perhaps some things that have happened to these two characters that were not quite implied in the book, but can draw out their relationship. We think it will be good for the young rabbit to explore why the old woman insists on whispering 'hush'."

Hanks was unavaialble for comment, but his publicist confirmed that this project has him, "eagerly awaiting a chance to explore the character of the young rabbit. He hopes it will bring out his true range as a thespian."
 

Detroit Police Chief: Jaywalking Epidemic is 'Out of Control'

In what has been called an 'epidemic', the city of Detroit continues to cope with a sharp rise in jaywalking crime over the last five years that has plagued its citizens and police force. Detroit police Chief Emma Bully-Cummings has declared a state of emergency for the Woodward Corridor section of downtown Detroit, where historic Woodward Avenue splits the city's notorious and violent ghetto, and criminals cross the road freely without regard for motorists and crosswalks.

"It's motherfucking ridiculous," said Bully-Cummings in a news conference. "These people have the nerve to commit a heinous crime right in broad daylight. Sooner or later we'll get you. Maybe not today, or tomorrow, or by 2009, but we'll get you."

A street in Detroit's trendy shopping district, notorious for jaywalking.

In a city paralyzed by violent crime, Bully-Cummings stated that the rampant jaywalking is 'number one on our task force list' and reiterated that she is moving law enforcement resources to address the issue.

"We only have 23 police officers for the whole city and we're pulling those officers off their regular beats of drug dealers and rapists to get this jaywalking problem solved," Bully-Cummings said. "If criminals are prevented from walking to the scene of an eventual crime, then we kill two birds with one stone. A drug dealer can't sell crack to 4th graders if he's busted on his way to the school for jaywalking"

Bully-Cummings also said the city has enacted a reward system for police officers that nab a jaywalker.

"We can now offer a free 7-11 slushy for every jaywalker that ends up behind bars," Bully-Cummins said proudly.

Added Bully-Cummings, "Although the only flavor we can offer is blueberry blast."

Barry Bonds' Shocking Confession: "It Was The Hemorrhoids."

Record-breaking 2001 Season is Forever Tarnished

In a posting on his personal website, San Francisco Giants slugger Barry Bonds confirmed speculation that he did indeed have hemorrhoids during the magical season in which he hit seventy-three homeruns. For years Bonds has lived under a tarnished reputation as a player who succeeded by cheating, and for years Bonds has denied any wrongdoing - until Monday.

"I'm tired of running from the press, I'm tired of living a lie to the fans," the internet posting read in part. "I hit seventy-three homeruns because I had hemorrhoids, and only because I had hemorrhoids. Without them, I could not have performed at the level I did. I am ashamed on this day, and will be forever haunted by those 'roids. I know my legacy is tarnished, and I have myself and the 'roids to blame."

Bonds falls into a grey area, given the current high standards of testing in Major League Baseball, and may actually escape any punishment whatsoever. When Bonds had the 'roids, the league was not yet testing for them. Now, with Bonds etched into history after breaking Hank Aaron's lifetime homerun mark of 755, MLB is not exactly happy about the record being eclipsed.

"He took advantage of a loophole in the rules because we weren't on the lookout, and his performance as a player was enhanced due to the 'roids," said MLB spokesman Adrian Crone. "Most certainly, there were other players with 'roids, but I don't think any of them benefitted like Bonds did. Except Mark McGwire. And Sammy Sosa. And Brandy Anderson. And Jason Giambi. And Ivan Rodriguez. And Jose Canseco. And roughly sixty-one percent of the league."

 Since Bonds was clean of 'roids by the time testing was implemented, he will continue to wait for a team to inquire about his services. Bonds is currently unemployed and collecting social security unemployment checks.

"I now know that 'roids are not the path to victory, and real glory lies in hard work," Bonds' statement read. "As a five-time MVP, I can say that all future records will be broken by a hemorrhoid free Barry Bonds."

Hank Aaron, now living in rural Georgia, says he does not know how Bonds' announcement will affect him. "Remember when I hit the record breaking homerun and those two white guys came out and ran the bases with me? What the hell was that all about?" Aaron said in a released statement.

"Get out of my house, white boy," Aaron added.

Whether Bonds breaks the record and ends up in the Hall of Fame is yet to be decided, but a cloud will forever hang over the head of Barry Bonds and his 'roids.

Joey Lawrence, Keanu Reeves to Battle In 'Whoa-Off'

"Whoa."

-Joey Lawrence, Blossom

"Whoa."

- Keanu Reeves, "The Matrix" 

Most Hollywood insiders are privy to the long-standing feud between 80's sitcom-hunk Joey Lawrence and 90's slacker-hunk Keanu Reeves.The feud, which is a decades-long clash over who has rights to the catchphrase 'whoa', has been tabloid fodder for years. Reeves has made no secret his hatred for Lawrence, often referring to him as 'dancing monkey-boy' during interviews, and once even claiming that he would 'kill Joey Lawrence until he's dead' during a Rolling Stone interview in 1993.

It seems now the two actors will have a chance to face off in person, as reports have surfaced of a Lawrence vs. Reeves 'whoa off' at the Staples Center in Los Angeles. Both actors have relied heavily on the catchphrase 'whoa' and have invested a great deal of time and effort in developing their delivery. Lawrence opted for a more 'dumb jock' approach, while Reeves relied on a 'idiot stoner' intonation. Although a date has not been set, publicists for both Lawrence and Reeves are not denying the event.

"Joey Lawrence immortalized the catchphrase 'whoa' when he starred in the sitcom Blossom," said Lawrence's agent Phil Freeney. "If you remember, whenever Joey's character Joey would get some heavy news, or learn something interesting, or see a hot girl, he would utter the great line 'whoa'. It brought delight to people all over the world. Then Keanu bastardized the phrase by bringing it to his Bill and Fred movies, and The Matrix. It seemed unoriginal then, and it's unoriginal now - three Matrix movies later."

Added Freeney, "He's a dick, too."

 

Reeves' agent, Gloria Wholen, said Keanu is quite passionate about his catchphrase and he would do anything to protect its integrity. "When Keanu first broke out the 'whoa' in 1989, the world was going through a tought time. The Tiananmen Square Massacre had just happened in China, and America was dealing with the end of the Cold War. Keanu brought smiles to millions of faces and lips with that catchphrase. It his his and only his. Anyone else who utters that word is an imposter."

According to Wholen, when Reeves got word that Lawrence was using his own version of 'whoa' on Blossom, he went 'apeshit'.

"I've never seen Keanu destroy a hotel room, at least while he was sober, and that night he absolutely trashed his room at the Chateau Marmot in New York city," Wholen said. "When I finally reached him, he was sweating, shaking and bloddy from shattering a mirror. All he could do was look up at me and cry. That catchphrase was his whole career."

The rest, as they say, is Hollywood history. Reeves sued Lawrence in 1990 to retain rights of the phrase, but lost in district court when a judge ruled the catchphrase was 'not unique to either actors' vocabulary'. The judge also noted that 'both actors could benefit from expanding their verbiage and learning some new words that have multiple syllables.

Years passed as the actors careers took different paths - Reeves went on to make the Matrix trilogy, while Lawrence spent much of his time lamenting his own declining popularity. Lawrence even went to far as to book a mall tour in 1993, 'The Whoa Show', which was cancelled after three dates due to poor ticket sales after fans discovered he would merely point at things in the mall and say 'whoa'.

In 1999, Lawrence hit rock bottom as Reeves rode his 'whoa' to stardom in the first of the Matrix movies.

"When I saw the commercial for The Matrix on tv, I was living with my parents and delivering pizzas for Dominoes. My career was in shambles and my wife had just left me for my younger brother. Then I saw Keanu's fat face saying my line, and it became the new catchphrase for the whole movie," said Lawrence. "That's when I decided I had to do something."

And do something he did. Lawrence wasted no time in contacting boxing promoter Don King, and presented an idea to get his life back on track, and win back his beloved catchphrase - a 'whoa off' with Reeves. King declared the idea 'somewhat brilliant' and set about contacting Reeves' people. As it turns out, Reeves was not at all interested in the opportunity.

"I spent the better part of 1999 and 2000 trying to get Keanu to commit to this battle, and he wouldn't even return my calls," King said. "Then just last week, his chauffer called and said it was on. I haven't been this excited since Tyson ate Holyfield's ear."

Details of the battle are not confirmed, but the Staples center has been booked for the night of July 29th under the ominous title of 'W.O.', which could stand for 'whoa-off'.

Doctors Successfully Replace Diseased Heart With iPhone4

Doctors at John's Hopkins Hospital saved the life of Marvin Crimm, 67, by using Apple's new iPhone 4 as a makeshift artificial heart. Crimm had been on the waiting list for a heart transplant, but could not match with a donor. Luckily for Crimm, his inevitable heart failure coincided with the launch of a sexy, dazzling new technology gadget that houses enough computing power to replace the human heart.

Crimm's savior was a young doctor named David Sloop - a self-acknlowledged 'tech head' who stood in line for nine hours to get his iPhone4. There were only two stores in all of Baltimore that were going to have the phone, so Sloop grabbed a sleeping bag and ended up second in line at the Towson Towne Centre Apple store - which had ten phones available for sale.

"Yeah, I like gadgets and internet stuff, and I'm a doctor, so I shelled out six hundred for the iPhone," Sloop said. "But I never thought it would help me pull off a medical miracle hours later."

That medical miracle came when Crimm's heart stopped - just seconds before Sloop started his night shift, still with the new iPhone in his pocket.

Crimm was rushed to the emergency room, where doctors raced to get the iPhone in place. "I knew the iPhone emitted a constant electrical charge of 1.25 voltz, which is precisely the same electric current of the human heart," Sloop recalled. "So I figured, if we could get this sucker implanted in the guy's chest, he just might have a chance to live. Of course, the battery life is only 8 hours of talk time, so he probably won't live too long."

Sloop said he took advantage of the many iPhone features during the surgery.

"The hi-def camera provided stunning photos of the chest cracking and internal bleeding. I snapped off some good ones that I'll post on Flickr later this week," Sloop said. "I had already preloaded some Nickelback and Puddle of Mudd into the iPod feature, so we were jamming the time his dead heart was being extracted. And the internet function is amazing."

Added Sloop:"I was blogging the whole time, right up until we sewed him up."

Mick Jagger Donates Lips To African Village

'Joyless, Lipless Orphans Rejoice, Hope to Whistle Again'

The tiny African nation of Nh'Rombia has always held a special place in Rolling Stones singer Mick Jagger's heart - he bought most of it in 1974 for tax purposes and has visited it "at least maybe twice" since. Now that the residents are embroiled in a civil war, Jagger has been pressed by the public to do more for the people of Nh'Rombia than send leftover Stones tour t-shirts every eleven years.

His response has been enormous, as Jagger announced he would donate his lips, in full, over the next four years to Nh'Rombia. The official statement, issued through his publicist Ian Thrute, said in part: 'I know me lips have gotten me to stardom, now I want Africa to 'ave that stardom in their mouths.' The statement later read, 'Take that, Bono.'


Also specified in the statement were details on how the lips were to be used - with Jagger specifically calling out an orphanage in the remote, barren wasteland where he once used the bathroom in 1981. "Those orphans looked so hungry," Jagger recalled, "and then I went and did coke on my private lear jet with David Bowie."

While many laude Jagger's bold philanthropic move, doctors are quick to point out that Jagger's lips may not be clean enough to pass standards even for rural Africa. "Those lips, whoa man," said Dr. Ron Freaming, Cheif Resident of Internal Medicine, Liverpool. "Can you imagine how may sets of genitalia those lips encountered? It could be in the thousands, ten thousands. And I doubt he used dental dams."

Jagger: "I'm sexier than Jesus."

A former Stones groupie, Jane Kune, even started a website to join with others that felt his lips were unsafe for African orphans - http://www.mickslipsmycrotch.org/ .

"I know how hard those kids have it, and I know they need lips," said Kune, who slept with Jagger over a period of several days in 1980, "but to put it in perspective, Mick and me were once crammed in a Studio 54 bathroom stall with Truman Capote, Cher and Elton John. And everyone got a piece of Mick's lips that night."

But the National Organization of African Orphans (NOAO) says it will gladly take the lip windfall. "There are diamond traders that will cut off the lips of workers that talk too much, they just pull the children off the streets and force them to work twenty hours a day. And they also have poor health insurance coverage," said Rd'Hduya Jana, a NOAO member and orphanage manager. "We have rooms and rooms of lipless, hopeless kids that would step over their own mothers for a chance to whistle again."

New Lesbian Buddy Flick To Ride "Brokeback" Success

'Humpback Hill' Tells Touching Story of Lesbian Whale Hunters

The Gay and Lesbian community is once again in the glare of the Hollywood spotlight. After Brokeback Mountain took most of the important Academy Awards a few years back (and was robbed of the Best Picture trophy in a jaw-dropping upset loss to 'Crash'), we knew it was only a matter of time before studios were quick to sign and produce copycat scripts.

The first of these is the touching and explorative 'Humpback Hill', the introspective story of two eskimo lesbian whale poachers, starring noted lesbian actresses Ellen Degeneres and Portia De Rossi. This is the first film to feature dual lesbian costars that are in a relationship with each other, and both have 'De' in their last names.

"I've been looking for the perfect project that would accurately reflect how I feel about being a lesbian," said DeGeneres. "I think that playing a ruthless but tender whale killer is just the role. There's something profoundly powerful in killing a whale - it's such a big fish."

DeGeneres and De Rossi at the 'Humpback' wrap party.

DeGeneres is largely regarded as one of the figureheads of the public lesbian community, along with Rosie O'Donnell, Dick Cheney's daughter and Elton John. Her tumultuous relationship and breakup with Anne Hecht was tabloid fodder for years. Hecht has since married a man and had children. "Let's just say these whales I'm killing represent asshole jerk-offs from my past," added deGeneres.

De Rossi said she took the film very seriously, and employed powerful method acting techniques. "I spent three weeks living among the A'aa'knak tribes in the Arctic Circle," De Rossi said. "Their way of life is fascinating, and I never thought I would find whale meat so tasty. [Ellen] and I are thinking of opening a whale-meat cafe in Malibu - if we can get it past the local health inspector."

The film opted for accuracy when it came to the large sea creatures, and the budget afforded three Humpback whales - which were kept teathered to an unused oil rig near the set in the north Atlantic ocean. "I don't know how they got that one past the animal rights groups," said DeGeneres. "But everyone was really great with the whales, I fed one of them baloney right out of my hand."Added DeRossi: "Those girl whales have some mighty vaginas."

The film, now in post production, will launch in L.A, New York and Provo on June 22nd.

Morgan Freeman Sextape Surfaces

Esteemed actor and Oscar Winner Morgan Freeman has turned up in an amateur internet sex video, apparently made at the actor's home sometime in the last year . The tape, dubbed 'F*ck me, I'm Morgan Freeman' is gaining popularity due to the high level of vulgarity and lewd talk that Freeman displays during the act of fornication. The makeshift title is a line uttered by Freeman during the tape, and yelled several times while he has intercourse. Freeman and his lawyer could not be reached for comment.

Freeman, known to most for his syrupy-sweet drawling voice, has narrated and acted in many highly acclaimed films. To hear Freeman grunting about the size of his genitals, and pleading for his partner to engage in certain sexual acts, is startling.

Freeman loves his cotton candy.

“How old is he anyways?” asked college student Tyrus Cobb, who watched the video. “It was like watching my granddad bang a retired hooker.” Freeman’s sex partner appears to be an older fan, perhaps a mistress. Her hair is graying, and she cannot accommodate several sex positions requested by Freeman.

It is yet to be seen how this scandal will affect Freeman’s storied career. Other movie stars plagued by public sex scandals have varying degrees of success. Paris Hilton eventually signed a distribution deal for her sex video, and reaped millions. Freeman’s agent could not confirm, nor deny, that they would take the same path.

“We’ll have to see how the public reacts to the tape. I’ve seen it, and I think Morgan did some great work,” said Freeman’s accountant John Frunce. “For a man of his age to pull off some of those moves is truly amazing, and speaks volumes about his range as an actor.”